Author Topic: Can someone help me edit my essay, its due soon. =D  (Read 1730 times)

Offline lilcrzytimmy

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Can someone help me edit my essay, its due soon. =D
« on: February 10, 2008, 06:06:00 PM »
i have another essay due which suxk.  i hate writing them and have bad grammer. hehe. 

can someone help me edit my essay and develop the vocabulary a bit more.  its not completely done since i ran out of ideas but it wuld be great if you can help me, not by writing in it but suggestions. 

the novel is 1984 by george orwell
and the topic is explain freedom and conformity within the three classes in Oceania.

thanks in advance.  its due tues febuary 11, 2008 pacific time.  thank you so much in editing.


Note: ignore the (   ), i left that for me to put page number.

if you wanna use microsoft words, here it is.  http://rapidshare.com/files/90813084/Oceania.doc.html.  its only 23kb, i think.

----------------------------------------------------------------
Timothy Luu

2/10/08

Mr. Tarr
Oceania’s Social Stratification
   “Throughout recorded time, and probably since the end of the Neolithic Age,
there have been three kinds of people in the world, the High, the Middle,
and the Low”.  Just as the book, The Theory and Practice of Oligarchies Collectivism say, every society contains a various amounts of status groups of people known as social stratification.   Oceania is a totalitarian nation from the novel Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell that contains three hierarchical social classes in their society.   The three classes are known as the Outer Party, the Inner Party, and the Proletarian; from highest to lowest ranking respectively.   Each of these three classes has their own degree of freedom, and each individual in the different classes has their own way to be conventional in this totalitarian society.  With telescreens operating at every section of the nation, it is difficult to sustain a free mind and to be conforming for a rebellious individual.
   In Oceania, the highest classes are the Inner Party; beneath them is the Outer Party and “Below [the Outer Party] come the dumb masses whom we habitually refer to as 'the proles'”. (201)  Although the prole may seem to be the lowest class, whom no one would want to be, it is ironically one of the best class to be in.  During the conversation between Julia and Winston, Winston speaks about “The proles [being] human beings”, which we can construe his connotation of freedom in the proles. (165)  They have more liberty in the social stratification as they do not work for the government, therefore not as much cared about in their nation.  Winston’s sentence compiles a strong sense of liberty.  Human have natural rights according to John Locke who says humans have rights in life, liberty, and property hence freedom.  Because the proles are referred as human, they too have natural rights and freedom.   In Oceania, the party uses telescreens to spy on the individuals, but “the great majority of proles did not even have telescreens in their homes” in which they have more freedom to do their pleasure, and wear comfortable garments. (72)  The telescreens were mainly located in the party so that they can observe their actions.  The individual working as an inner or outer party can pose more of a threat due to their highly intellectual mind and as a result, the party says that “Prole and animal are free”. (72)   Although the proles seem have more independence than the parties, the “proletarians…who might possibly become nuclei of discontent…are simply marked down by the Thought Police and eliminated” therefore their freedom is finite. (209)
   The Outer party is considered to be the middle social class in the social stratification.     The members of the party are technically considered to be the lowest state due to living an austere life “from birth to death under the eyes of the though police”.  (211)   They do not have freedom to do what they please as they are constantly working, cannot have a vocation for anyone else but the party nor go into ordinary shops for necessities.  They cannot have a selection in apparel and garment they choose and is forced to wear “blue overalls which were the uniform of the outer party”. (2)   Overall, it is best to be a proletarian but the only downside is the life in poverty.
   Oceania’s highest class is the inner party, but just like the outer party, they do not have a great deal of liberty as the proletarians and with the standards of the early century, the “Inner party lives an austere, laborious kind of life”. (  )  Just like the outer party members, the inner party members also have to work constantly for the party and are forced to wear “black overalls of an Inner Party member” under the eyes of the thought police. (  )  Nevertheless, the inner party members have some advantage over the outer party members because they can choose to be provided with “the few luxuries that he does enjoy… the better texture of his clothes, the better quality of his food and drink” which sets them in a different world than the outer party members.  (   )
   Throughout the long course of human society, most civilization, nation, or empire have a social stratification.  In the totalitarian nation of Oceania, there are three hierarchical social classes known as the Inner party, the Outer Party, and the Proletarian; from highest to lowest respectively.   Each of the classes have a unique distinction of freedom and conformity such as the inner and outer party under the watch with telescreens to the freedom of proles, who is not being observed. But this standard of social stratification is only based on the wealth of members and their activity in life.  How will the status ranking look like if the principles value of hierarchical social classes is based on the amount of freedom and conformity the humankind has?
Sonys: The Foreign 40gb Black* and the red hot slim soon the green slim.  Nintendo: The revolutional White.
Past: A whole mess of american PSP and eventually Japanese imports.

Materialistic, HELL YA. =D
*i just notice the ps3 was foreign, and i bought it in america. O.O

Offline Skullmaster

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Re: Can someone help me edit my essay, its due soon. =D
« Reply #1 on: February 10, 2008, 11:00:17 PM »
Dosent look to bad. Nice work. Just make sure you did spell check on it and you should be pretty good, although I'm not all that good with putting comma's and stuff, I just usually throw them in where there is a pause, lol!

Offline nez

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Re: Can someone help me edit my essay, its due soon. =D
« Reply #2 on: February 10, 2008, 11:41:15 PM »
What is the length min on this because it seam very short in my opinion.
Add more fluff . It is better to use quotes from ppl of high intelligence and have a mark in history where the reader can relate to get more bonded with the passage.(you have done this good job maybe do that for the opening sentence, a very heart warming quote that gets the reader thinking the one now a not my first choice) You have books listed you took passages out of them it not only takes up space but add a more educated information.(opening paragraph)  Their is a quote on the first sentence but from who or where not a 100% clear on that. Simplicity.

 Wow look at John Lock statement put quotes their. spacing on the "The" after
Quote
The Outer party is considered to be the middle social class in the social stratification.

aa. not a 100% percent about the conclusion could be better. remember it repeats the essay in a small sumerie. not to complicated.

Well very good job on it their is quotes from very well recognized pll and passages from the book. few punctuation errors but all in all you did very very good. It is a little dif from my type of style but then again my style alway gets the prophesiers eyes. It works most of the time. unless i get one that has no since of humor or imagination. Or basical no feeling and want to start out with the point on the first sentence with no attention grabber being use just facts and statistics. uug makes you zzzzzzzzzzzz. Ya i have to turn in two paragraphs in on aviation news summarizing the article. i hate these i know it is only two louse paragraphs but they are boring and i get very easily distracted making them long time to finish. i sound like i am not from America with my bad grammar i am using.
good luck with your paper.


Offline lilcrzytimmy

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Re: Can someone help me edit my essay, its due soon. =D
« Reply #3 on: February 11, 2008, 10:54:47 AM »
the essay is 3 pages miniume double spaced.

 i hate the conclusion part, apparently, my teach say the oonclusion should not repeat or summarize everythign as it gives it a bad title to it, but rather than to repeat, add simple ideas from it, to remind the reader and extend it by adding other information that fits the topic, but does not fit among the body paragraph.  in other words, questions, redirecting the reder and etc, which is very complicated to do.

also, the first opening sentence is from the novel .  its a book within a book, and in his example intro paragrapgh(which he wrote), he did some thing similar, but his topic is based directly on " war is peace, freedom is slavery, ignorance is strengh".  so im guessing hes okay with it, if not F*** him for his crappy example.  ooo, i can use his example to back me up, hehe.
« Last Edit: February 11, 2008, 11:00:13 AM by lilcrzytimmy »
Sonys: The Foreign 40gb Black* and the red hot slim soon the green slim.  Nintendo: The revolutional White.
Past: A whole mess of american PSP and eventually Japanese imports.

Materialistic, HELL YA. =D
*i just notice the ps3 was foreign, and i bought it in america. O.O

Offline nez

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Re: Can someone help me edit my essay, its due soon. =D
« Reply #4 on: February 11, 2008, 01:43:57 PM »
all teachers have a different view on how they want thing written. Ya follow the teacher advice to get the better grade. book inside of a book huu diff.


 

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