Author Topic: I need someone to proofread my essay  (Read 839 times)

Offline Bhawan

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I need someone to proofread my essay
« on: December 14, 2008, 11:04:41 AM »
ok i had to write a persuasive essay on video games and had to get it proofread from someone and then improve the mistakes, but i have no one to proofread mine(i am an only child) and its -40 C outside, i cant go to my friends' and get him to do it...so  I am posting it here on AM and can you guys read it for me and tell me what i need to change what's wrong or anything...however i have not completed the conclusion part yet..... so its not there.

Layout:

Intro
Points for
Points Against
Defense against the points against
Conclusion(not done yet)

Here is the essay



Video Games: Light-side or The Dark-side.
   We all have busy schedules and stressful lives, video games are a good source of relaxation and entertainment.  They can provide a good, happy time to everyone.  However, video games have been controversial from a long time.  There are many issues regarding games and effects they have on young children.  In my opinion, video games are not as bad as people think they are.  There are many possible ways to make positive uses of them.
   The possibilities of gaining knowledge and skills from video games are endless.  The new hi-tech ways to interact with games allow us to make full use of our skills and develop them to the highest possible level.  Video Games started decades ago with a simple pong game.  The industry has experienced dramatic changes over the period of time.  Video games now days are not just about sitting on the couch and moving your fingers on a controller to make Mario jump over the turtles, they have become a way of self improvement and learning in an entertaining way.  There several new improvements in this field, there are new technologies like six axis and motion sensitiveness which allow a person to actually move the controller in order to play the game, this not only exercise but also improve real life skills.  Game systems like Wii have many interactive games which require a lot of physical movement and skills which provide people with ways to exercise in a fun way.  Video games with stunning, close to real life graphics can virtually take you to almost any place in the world you ever wanted to go to.  People can learn to drive sitting in the comfort of their homes and without risking their lives.  With games like Guitar Hero and Rock Band people can learn to play various musical instruments.  Online games encourage teamwork and help children cooperate with others to achieve their goals.  Almost every game ever made has a bit of problem solving involved in it, this makes the player better at some kind of things over time.  The use of the skills learned from video games can make our everyday lives much easier.  All these were just a short glimpse of the endless possibilities.
   There are many games regarding video games too like violence, racial stereotyping, excessive adult content and addiction.  Video games have gained a lot of popularity in a very little time and have become more realistic.  Being realistic games have not always brought advantages to people.  People sometimes take extremely realistic games like Grand Theft Auto and Runescape as a second virtual life.  Many people get addicted to such realistic games and spend hours playing a video game just to get past a certain level or to get a high score.  People sometime set too close to the screens and damage their eyes due to excessive gaming.  Video games can also lead to serious health issues like obesity and diabetes as most people just sit in the couch and eat and play games for most of their times, they do not burn a lot of calories while doing that.  Most people tend to get lazy over time when playing over long periods of time every day.  Another major issue regarding video games is violence, many video games involve acts of violence and content which is unsuitable for some people.  Almost every video game has a bit of violence in it, some games sometimes have extremely violent content and can be disturbing to small children and sometime even adults.  Playing games with such content can have demonstrated negative effects on children.  Jack Thompson, an American activist and a former attorney, describes video games with violence as “murder simulators” which teach kids how to kill efficiently and enjoy it.  He also blames video games with violence as one of the main causes of some recent shooting in schools, which is true to some extent.  The urge to get maximum kills in a game can take over a person’s mind.  There are also ethical issues with video games, Pope Benedict XVI said that video games in the name entertainment exalt violence and portray anti-social behavior.  He also said that killing people in video games is a sin equal to killing someone in reality.  Video games have always been controversial, always are and always will be.
   Most of the concerns about video games are true but can be easily dealt with.  Too much of anything can spoil you and its same with video games, it’s a person’s responsibility to play for a reasonable amount of time and not play the whole day.  Video games are supposed to be fun and people need to learn not to take them seriously and keep the virtual world separate from the real world.  Video game violence can also be easily controlled.  Things such as blood and gore can be turned off in most games.  Every game in the market comes with a rating by Entertainment Software Rating board.  The games are rated by age on the basis of violence and adult content in them.  Most video stores keep the ratings in mind when selling these games and do not sell games to children who are not above the required age.  Parents should also consider these factors when buying their children any video games.  Video Games are virtual, they are made to look like real, when a person does anything in a video game, he is just moving the controller or pressing the buttons, the person being shot at or harmed is not real and does not exist. 

thanks chase for this sig =)
I miss my dragon lol....

Offline SN!P3R

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Re: I need someone to proofread my essay
« Reply #1 on: December 14, 2008, 11:19:46 AM »
looks good to me  :yess:


just use some bigger words, such as god happy time. replace it with good time. good and happy dont sound right to me. also, replace some words like good etc. with bigger words, such as exelent


big words score me points with my teacher  :#1:
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Offline PspKicks316

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Re: I need someone to proofread my essay
« Reply #2 on: December 14, 2008, 11:48:26 AM »
big words score me points with my teacher  :#1:
Won't work if you clearly can't SPELL the "big words".

Those aren't big words...those are regular everyday normal words...


As per what psphax0r said, no just use a variation of words instead of repeating.

Offline SN!P3R

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Re: I need someone to proofread my essay
« Reply #3 on: December 14, 2008, 11:50:33 AM »
spell check...
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Offline PspKicks316

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Re: I need someone to proofread my essay
« Reply #4 on: December 14, 2008, 11:53:55 AM »
spell check...
Try using it then, it'll help a lot.

 

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